Normally, after something has happened, I have clear and cogent thoughts to share.

I have some statement woven together from strands of biting wit, deeper insight, or at least awesome song lyrics.

Today is not that day. Today I just have this stream of thoughts about sexual harassment.

Last night was not the first time, nor will it be the last time, I know that. But I'm still hurting and I still want to talk a little bit about the shit I'm thinking.

Back story: I went to Walmart for conditioner and was followed through the store by a man much larger than I am who decided to make comments about my body the whole time.

I had headphones on, so at first I guess he assumed I couldn't hear him or wouldn't notice him. I don't know if I flinched or grimaced or what, but at some point he realized I could hear him and that seemed to egg him on.

He followed closer, the comments got more crude, this continued through til I got into my car in the parking lot and closed and locked all my doors.

So I'm standing there doing the mental math.

He's taller and broader than Captain so he's over 6'2". That means his reach is long.

His legs are long. But he's big, so maybe his cardio isn't that great? If I try to get X distance away before running, would that be enough of a head start factoring in my stride length disadvantage?

His hands are big and dirty. That means he's strong, not just regular male-of-the-species strong, which would be enough to do damage, but like strong strong.

I don't have my knife on me. Why the fuck don't I have my knife? Stupid me thought I'd be fine going to the store right down the street for one thing.

I'm alone.

I'm 4'10, blind on one side, in flip flops. I should have worn sneakers. I hate myself for scolding myself for not wearing the appropriate footwear to escape a potential attack.

I could say something back. Were this a battle of wits I'd wreck this man's life.

This is not a battle of wits.

There are multiple exits from this building. The one closest to my car also happens to be the one that is darkest. I should have parked by a light. I hate myself for scolding myself for not choosing the appropriate parking space to escape a potential attack.

I drove home furious.

I should have said something to him. I should have turned around and opened my mouth and let something atrocious spill from brain to tongue.

I should have hit his world like a wrecking ball. Except I made the choice I made because it was safest for me in that moment. It had the highest likelihood of me getting home to my children, to my family.

I feel like a wimp.

I feel selfish.

I feel like my silence just allows him space to do this again. Maybe bigger and bolder next time. I hate myself for allowing myself to make his potential next attack my fault.

I made it into the door before I cried.

I felt dirty. Used. Violated. No, this man didn't touch me physically. People are going to discredit this as "no big deal" because he didn't touch me.

It's stupid to worry about what what others will think. I hate myself for scolding myself for worrying about what others think.

I live with 3 men. Why the fuck didn't I just take one of them with me? I shouldn't fucking have to. I hate myself for even thinking about keeping a male escort with me at all times in public. I hate myself for hating myself for thinking that.

I go through this process of a million and one things that *I* could have done to prevent this, to deescalate this, to handle it like more of a badass.

See, that's what I do. That's what I always do. I shoulder burdens, I make things my fault, I do the extra work.

Victims of sexual abuse and violence - of really any abuse or violence - do that almost subconsciously.

We tiptoe, we bend, we sway, we do everything we can think of to do - up to and including sacrificing chickens to Jobu the god of home runs - and still when something happens our first reaction is "what did *I* do wrong?"

And we KNOW that's what we're doing. We KNOW that it isn't our burden to not get harassed or not get raped.

We KNOW the solution isn't in our hands. But we can't help this thought process.

I know the solution here wasn't for Erica to wear long pants, a heavy sweater, have her hair covered, carry a knife and some pepper spray, and bring a man with her everywhere she goes.

The solution is don't be a dick and harass people.

But that's not a solution that is in MY hands. So it isn't something I can do anything about. I make it my problem because if it's my problem then I can have the solution.

In a way, it's mentally trying to give power and control back to myself.

The reality, though, is that I don't have it. I didn't have it in this situation. I didn't have it in past situations. I probably won't have it in future situations.

The reality is that some man felt entitled to something I did not want to give and reacted with anger when I refused to give it.

This is a theme I am seeing pop up more and more in my life. People feel entitled to some piece of me or another and react with rage when I do not want to give it.

NOBODY is "entitled" to anything from any other human being. Not your body, not your thoughts, not your voice, nada. You are not entitled access to any part of me if I do not wish to give it. I don't have to have a reason. I don't have to tell you what that reason is if I do have it. Every time you are granted access to my thoughts, my body, my company, etc. it is a gift given because I want to give it.

I still need time to unjumble and detangle my thoughts. They pretty quickly got hopelessly coiled around one another.

This is not my #metoo story, like I said in the beginning this wasn't the first nor will it be the last. This wasn't the worst. This is just the most recent.

I hope you really think on that. Most of us have a story like this over and over and over.

So much so, in fact, that my friends who I vented to about it last night all had suggestions colored with the "oh, yeah when that happens to me I find X,Y and Z to be good steps to take" sort of vibe.

That is disgusting to me. I hope it's disgusting to you.

Please remember it is not a victim's burden to explain shit to you about what sexual harassment is or isn't, why people do it, etc.

Read a goddamn book or go to a course or do some online studying or something if it's a topic that you really want insight to.

Plenty of victims who ARE in a healthy and healed place and want to speak up about this sort of thing have done so. The victims you know in your life may not be at that place yet.

Don't be an asshole and demand more from a victim who is not ready. Your intentions may be good, but demanding access to something a person is not ready to give is the same shit their harasser just did.

Not a good look, or a good feel.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

Just a purge, I guess.