Yes, I'm in a lot of pain.

Yes, I'm heartbroken.

Yes, yesterday was another day of tears at random intervals.

Mostly, though, I'm feeling cheated. Not for me... for him. He deserves to be a father.
He is kind, compassionate, funny, gentle, even-keeled, playful, responsible, loving... it's the loving thing that gets me. He loves like he's got a master's degree in it. He makes people feel genuinely cared for, seen, and appreciated for who they are. His warmth is like nothing I've ever witnessed.

So many terrible people get to be parents. So many aggressive, hurtful, hateful, negligent people... people who don't care and never cared. People who only care when it can get them something. People who see kids as a resource to be used and not as a being that needs tending to and help growing. People who hurt them... THEY get to be parents.

But this man, this man who would be stellar at it... he gets to cry himself to sleep over a lost baby instead.

Cognitively, I know I did nothing wrong. I was healthier with this one than I was with the other 2. But yeah, I'm laying here next to him feeling like I failed him, wondering if it's because I'm too old or too fat or too short or I sneezed wrong or maybe it was that one time I hiccupped really hard in the freezer section, etc.

He should be a father. More than once I've had a good hard cry wondering if I should just let him go so he can find someone who can give that to him. Losing a baby makes you think thoughts that just straight up HURT sometimes.

Hurt. That's my word of the day, I guess. This shit sucks. And hurts. On so many levels.

In other news, my Skyrim character is firmly entrenched in the criminal underworld in Riften and is totally gonna overthrow the empire. I just happen to like Blue better so Stormcloaks it is.
So yeah, theres my update.