The real way.
"They told me you answered this sort of stuff, so here we go..."
"I'm a bit shook."
"My 7yr old just told me she accidentally spilled a cup of water on the Xbox. On Monday. It is now ... way past Monday."
"She waited to tell me because she was afraid of getting grounded. It won't turn on."
"Thing is... it's not MY Xbox, it's my brother-in-law's."
"Now I'm scrambling to figure out if I can fix it, how can I replace it, what do I do...I literally don't have the cash to replace an expensive thing like that."
"I know it was an accident, I am more worried that she waited to tell me about it out of fear of getting in trouble."
"I don't know how my sister or my brother-in-law will react, but they aren't that great with kid stuff in the first place."
"What the hell do I do?"
"I also don't want her to ever be afraid to tell me things, I try to practice gentle parenting so the worst thing I do is take away privileges or ground her."
"Is this something that can be fixed or should I just buckle up expecting to replace it?"
"How can I teach her that it is ok to tell me things at the moment it happens rather than keep it from me, even if she knows she will get in trouble?"
"Holy Crap Help."
If you haven't made this face, are you even parenting?
Lean in.
This is a great opportunity for a teachable moment. Y'ALL LETS TALK ABOUT TEACHING YOUR BABIES TO APOLOGIZE AND ALSO HOLD BOUNDARIES:
A proper apology is a hard thing to teach because we are so often taught INCORRECTLY that saying you are sorry absolves you of consequences. That sets EEEEVERYBOOOODYYYYYY up for failure as an adult.
Our jobs as parents is to prep the tiny people to be not-shitty adults who understand what healthy and not healthy look like; and to expect healthy from themselves AND FOR THEMSELVES.
You are now the behind-the-scenes guide. You are now the Mushu to your babies Mulan.
Be real with them. "This might get awkward, kiddo, but here we go."
An apology should consist of owning the mistake made, acknowledging the damages caused AND a sincere effort to rectify them.
You and your child now get to work TOGETHER to solve this.
Mistakes happen. The spill was a mistake.
That doesn't mean that mistakes don't still cause damages that must be made right.
Trying to deny those things, hide them, ignore them, etc. doesn't absolve you of having to make them right. It just makes it harder to do. It's harder because long term damage tends to run deeper and because hiding, denying and ignoring makes someone feel like they can't trust you.
So yes, even when you're nervous about it, it's best to communicate honestly and as soon as something happens.
Guide them through figuring out some potential solutions to take along with you when you speak to your brother-in-law.
That might look like saying to the kid:
"We know it needs to be replaced or repaired, right? We don't know if we can afford that so let's research options."
And then you do that. Because you cannot offer solutions if you aren't looking honestly at what's going on.
Let's say it ends up $250 to repair and $325 for a refurbished one and $500 for a new one.
"Hes not getting a brand new one because that's not what was broken, so we can scratch that one right off. It's not a reasonable or fair solution unless it was really the only option. It's not."
So that leaves you with the other two, which are decently close in price so let's work with the bigger number because OVER preparing is always better than UNDER preparing.
"So now we are figuring out how to earn $325 to potentially rectify our mistake. Let's look at ideas like:
1. a bake sale where I will match what child earns up to $X until we have raised enough to replace it.
2. Let's write silly poems and sell them for $5 each, $10 for a custom one.
3. We crowdfund."
Might be time to break into these bad boys...
Now on the other end of that is dealing with how the other adults in the situation react.
And for that I will, again, encourage you to lean in.
Explain that not all adults are able to think and process before they express things. There may be lots of reasons for that, but none of them are valid reasons to ever be mean, violent, etc.
So when we go talk to Uncle Whoever and Aunt That-Lady, they might get upset. They might be disappointed. They might ask us to replace it.
All of those things are reasonable.
They might yell or be loud or be mean. That is NOT reasonable and something I will NOT allow.
And you go have an open honest upfront conversation along with your child in whatever way you safely can, and you hold that line for your baby.
As soon as voices get raised you clearly and calmly say "We cannot have this conversation if you are shouting. It is not a healthy way to speak to someone. If you cannot stop, we will need to end this conversation and leave."
So when you go to brother-in-law y'all just lay it out.
"I spilled a little water on it and got scared and didn't know how to admit it, so it was a few days before I spoke up. Now it's not working properly. The spill was an accident, but I was wrong to hide it. I'm sorry. We can do this, this, or this to fix it. What do you think?"
That is how you apologize and take ownership.
Now if your brother-in-law is a reasonable normal person he will be like "oh wow, thank you for that. I'll think about it carefully and get back to you. In the meantime would you like a sandwich or something?" etc.
And then get back to you like "bro just throw me like $150 or something when you have it. I'm not mad, shit happens."
But how other people manage their emotions is not your baby's problem and you should never teach them that it is.
Teach them to offer a proper and sincere apology and to do their very best to rectify mistakes.
Coming to the table with solutions takes on the onus of responsibility.
There's also the possibility that your brother-in-law won't want anything for it. He might have left it at your place absolutely expecting it to get kid-ified.
If your brother DOES say not to worry about it, there is still space for teaching and learning.
Learning to accept forgiveness is also important. It's also a thing a lot of us suck at.
Welp. That was a read.
I would respond with something like "We truly do want to make this right. Are you sure?"
If he says yes then maybe "Thank you. That is very gracious and isn't something most people would be in a position to do. We really appreciate that."
Then sit with the little and talk about how total forgiveness and absolving you of consequences IS a thing that can sometimes happen when we mess up.
But its very rare, should never be expected, and can only happen in specific circumstances.
It's about power and privilege.
The person forgiving you has to have the power to forgive and absolve you - meaning they have to be the one who was hurt. In this case, for example, YOU could not have forgiven her for damaging the Xbox. It wasn't yours.
You COULD forgive for hiding things because that was the thing that hurt YOU.
Also the person forgiving has to be privileged enough to do so. If brother-in-law needed the Xbox, was planning on using it, maybe was gonna sell it, or even just didn't have the mental resources to deal with replacing it himself, or like the Xbox reminded him of someone precious and it hurts him emotionally to not have it or WHATEVER THE REASON, then he would not have been in the privileged position to say "hey don't worry about it" because it is a loss for that person.
Not everyone will be willing or able to just eat that loss and they should never be expected to.
A lot of movies or TV shows will show just saying "sorry" as the whole process and the other person is just supposed to go "that's ok" and that's it.
But it doesn't work that way AT ALL and you should never give or accept an incomplete and insincere apology.
And you should NEVER feel pressured to give total forgiveness and absolution if you do not have the power and privilege to do so.
If you need restitution, never shrug it off because Hallmark said so and never ever expect others to do so.
Most people are not REALLY in a position for that and it's a totally okay and healthy boundary for you to hold for yourself and others.
Hope all that helped!
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