My toddlers pet turtle recently had a mild case of shell rot. Treating it involved taking the turtle out of her water for extended periods of time, which meant a lot of time spent handling and really looking at her.

Now, those of you who are new here or don't know me in person might not realize this, but inside of my head I am talking *constantly.*

My mind is an unstoppable geyser of pointless narration.

Also, I watched a LOT of Crocodile Hunter, Jeff Corwin, and Zoboomafoo growing up.  As such, a lot of the narration in my mind is me hosting my own imaginary animal show. 

And that's exactly what I was doing when I realized the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were not male.

So you want to know how I Steve Irwin-ed my way to that conclusion, right?

Right.

TMNT canon tells us that the four turtles were initially pets. Almost all of the turtle species in the pet trade are sexually dimorphic.

But also because I have ADHD and was obsessing, I cross-referenced native turtle species in New York just in case someone was all "What if they were wild caught pets???"

Anyway, once you remove the sea turtles and snapping turtles (which they obviously aren't) you're left with a list of possibilities that are almost all dimorphic species.

Those turtles reach sexual maturity at 5 or 6 years old; and as these are TEENAGE turtles, the anatomical differences would be visible.

So what visibly differentiates them?
Let us discuss, with pics!

Exhibit A: The Foreclaws.

Sexually mature male turtles have long front claws.

Not just "longer than the females, maybe you'd see it in a side-by-side comparison" kind of long.

Loooong long. Like peak Coko from SWV if 90's r&b is a reference point that works for you.

"AHA! but sometimes they have tails like in early versions right?"

But long thick tails or short barely visible oes, tho? And where are those tails lately?

Exactly.

Anyway, let's talk about the proverbial "smoking gun" here, shall we folks?

Turtle.
Shell.
Structure.

Exhibit C: Their Shells.

The plastron, or under-shell, of a teenage male turtle of this type would have a VERY VISIBLE indent.

The plastron is concave to allow space for the carapace, or upper shell, of his partner when he pulls a Warren G and mounts up.

Turtles are some big-booty Judies serving up all the cakecakecakecake, so male turtle anatomy has evolved to accommodate that.

It's got a dent and the shell is often somewhat peanut shaped.

Please see the turtles below for reference.

The turtle on the left is male, the turtle on the right is female:

The evidence has shown that all four of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were clearly AFAB.

Ergo, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle story could be seen as a celebration of girl-power as the turtles made zero attempt to disguise their female anatomy...

OR

The theory I propose is more accurate: As a trans-power story about four turtles who lived as their authentic selves, even though they did not have passing privilege in the turtle world.

Throughout every incarnation of the show, the turtles have used male pronouns and names when referring both to one another and to themselves. This identification is consistent whether the turtles are together or alone, with others or having private moments amongst themselves.

They never waiver from self-identification as male, regardless of what their anatomy says.

It's an identification that nobody in their world questions, denies, or dismisses.

It's an identity they hold on to regardless of the time, the place, the dimension.

In closing, whichever way you choose to read it, the turtles are iconic heros that belong to communities who didn't know they had four green baddies repping them this whole time.

They are not the hero of the cis-bro-frat-boy-with-anger-issues and never have been.