It's creeping closer to what would have been Giovanni's due date. For a few weeks there, seeing pregnant women, hearing other pregnancy announcements, etc. stopped bothering me. 

Since March 1st it's been back. He was due the 25th. 

I keep thinking I should be hugely pregnant right now. I should be waddling and struggling to see my toes. I should be nesting and making final preparations for my son... but even that wouldn't be a guarantee. 

New life is fragile. It's here and can be gone in an instant. Loss sort of sucks that way.

 Paolo and I went to SeaWorld the other day. No reason. Just because. 

Most of the day was fine, then came penguin time.

In front of us was a woman wearing the  newest of baby boys. She still looked pregnant and he still looked like a raisin/alien hybrid. 

No shade. All new babies look like that.

His little hand gripped instinctively to the side of her breast. She stroked little wisps of his hair and kissed his little arm as she talked with her friends. 

I must have been staring because Paolo squeezed my hand and nonchalantly repositioned himself so that he was the only thing in my line of sight. 

He just stayed and locked eyes with me 'til I was ok, then made sure to keep me engaged talking about and playing with the penguins. 

No time for my mind to dwell, y'know?

He held space for me to talk about it if I wanted and kept checking in with me, but never pushed. 

Dude's got this nurturing thing on lock.

Fast forward to today. A few more pregnancy announcements, another ultrasound image in the newsfeed. Nothing new, really. 

Babies happen every day. Normally I'm not bothered. 

But today hurts. I'm expecting that it will off-and-on around key points for quite a while. 

I'm sure others who have experienced loss can attest. 

Anyway, there ya go. Today is rough.